Tough, or Mean

I learrd this when I was in this military high school at 16 years old. For the next two years and eight months, I learned, among my officers and NCO instructors, who among them are tough, and who are just mean.
And you can tell. Sometimes not right away. But as you get to know them, it is very apparent.
I carried that lesson with me till today.
I have had bosses who tells me they are just being tough, but actually they are downright mean. And I have had bosses who are just like some of my instructors, tough and loud on the outside but soft and gooey on the inside.
It is the mean ones that really get to you. Worse, they think they are doing justice to you. They think they are helping you. They think they are toughening you up.
I liken them to abusive parents, or abusive spouses. And these bosses couldn't understand why I don't like them.
I think somewhere along the way they lost the meaning of tough and mean.
But I also learned that these mean people lacked the compassion and love because they were not given compassion and love. Also they lack self esteem and self belief.
This worries me because they're is something wrong with our family system, schools and even society not being able to differentiate tough or mean.
Maybe I was fortunate for that two years plus of tough love. And I learned well. My instructors were really tough, but I know most of them cared for us. I know because years after leaving the school, chance meeting with them in a function here and there, I can see in their eyes how proud they are of us, and what have become of us. That were are not mean, evil and screwed up.
And I thank all of them.